Excerpt From "A Gentleman's Correspondence" (part the first)

My Dearest James,

I am hoping this letter finds you well. I have not seen you in many weeks, and my thoughts have turned to our last meeting. I wanted you to know that my leg is healing beautifully. It would be safe to say that (almost) all is forgiven and as long as the barman at The Bishop's Taint doesn't rise from his coma, there will be no further repercussions. I also wanted to say that any threats of revenge I have made (which only now are bubbling up from the depths of my memory) were given in the heat of the moment and should be given no more credence than the rumors of your questionable parentage. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours,

Michael

Life List

Greetings to you my fellow swimmers. The wallowing warmth of the early days of the warmest of seasons have made my savory Ocean a hot and hearty place recently. I offer sincerest prayers of thanks to a tin of beef consume which looks down on me from upon high. I pray for a light summer soup of broth and veggies, and it is made so. With soup, life is good. And although the world can be a nasty shit heap at the best of times, I feel that I am safe in my Endless Ocean with my fishy swishy friends.
While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:

GREEN FISH'S TOTALLY EXTREME
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
DIES

1. THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
2. BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
3. THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
4. PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
   
5. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH LARRY KING AND REPEATEDLY CALL HIM SAMANTHA: Funny shit.
6. TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
7. HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
8. PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.

Well that's it. These are things that would make my life complete and justify my choices and decisions and erase all regrets. Dreams people! Dreams are what drive us to reach for the silver bell of freedom and comfort and a chicken in every driveway. You can make a man wear pants but you can't take away his dreams. Unless his dreams involve a lot of pantslessness. Then sir, you can take his dreams away and damn you to hell if you do.

Green Fish's Household Tips

1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:

ANGUS THRIPSHAW IS INTERESTING

1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Motorhead.

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Molting.

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.