Resolutions in C minor

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Angus Thripshaw's Ditch

Just when you thought is was safe to read a piss poor excuse for a blog, here comes your old pal Angus to spice up the bisque. Some of the less discerning of you will no doubt remember me from here. Maybe it's the horse liniment I drank for lunch, but I feel all tingly being back after all this time. To those of you new to the Green idiot's tiny circle of readers, let me introduce myself. I am Angus Thripshaw and I am a contributor to The Endless Ocean Of Gravy. I am the only reason to come here and I am the sweet living shit. So cuddle up children. Angus is back! Where have I been? Well let me fuckin' tell ya.

Angus Thripshaw's Ditch

Presents

in association with the endless ocean of gravy

Thripshaw's Doings

• I was living with Green Fish for a few months until I was able to get a certain business venture off the ground, or until he could pin me in a best of three challenge. He pulled a fast one on me by putting sleeping pills in my Thompson's Wood Stain and moving away.

• Left to my own devices I decided to find lodgings and pursue my business venture with a renewed passion. As luck would have it I secured shelter in a drainage ditch on the outskirts of a condemned industrial plaza.

• I secured financing for my business by strolling "mother naked" into large grocery stores and being paid to go away before the fruit spoiled.

• With capital secured I opened up a roadside consulting firm specializing in executive entertainment solutions and seminars. I planned to specialize in up market firms with a large female clientele who would be enamored with my determined, workman-like, love making skills, in the prescribed Soviet style. I felt that this, complimented with home made Vodka, would be a market leader in executive solutions.

• My first day went well, except that I set up my stand to close to the highway, and a wide-load transport trailer clipped my turkey costume and threw me, my stand, and my home made vodka dispenser across the freeway and under the viaduct. I was relatively uninjured until a pack of feral dogs, emboldened by the stench of blood and rotting potato peelings, set about me with a vigor.

• I spent the next eighteen months convalescing under that viaduct, living on home made vodka and feral dog tar tar, and maintaining my network of clients by shouting obscenities at passing cars.

• I finally taught myself to walk again after discovering that both my feet were in fact wedged into one shoe.

• I then wrote for the Toronto Sun for six months until this became just too much of a strain on my dignity. That lead me to reopen negations with Mr Fish (follow him home from work) and secure a staff writing position (he still forgets to lock the door).

So that's all for now kids. I'm going to be on my merry way before the big fool wakes up. Right after I have a wash in the sink and a crap in the tub. Bye now, Fuckers!!!

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:

ANGUS THRIPSHAW IS INTERESTING

1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Motorhead.

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Molting.

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.