Brushing Up On Love

Name: Floyd Purchase
Age: 33
Seeking: Women aged 20 to 60, all shapes, smoker or non, employment a plus but not fussy, pets welcome, English a plus but not fussy, will drive out of town, not fussy
Occupation: Mobile Library Owner/Operator
Turnons: a woman
Turnoffs: none
Say what: "Hey ladies how about a Purchase of me, meaning a pun on my name and not meant to imply I am a male prostitute, because I certainly am not one of those."

Name: Mrs. Beretta Cross
Age: 73
Seeking: William Michael Cross, 40 1/2
Occupation: Unappreciated
Turnons: A little consideration
Turnoffs: Lazy ungrateful sons who go off and marry the first whore who will cook something approximating dinner when she couldn't possibly know what he likes when it's his sainted mother who raised him for 40 years without a word of thanks.
Say what: "Don't worry about me you just let that hussy desecrate the mother son bond and I'll commit suicide to keep things simple for you and that cheap c-u-nevermind-t."

Name: Francis Lee Marvin
Age: 29
Seeking: Women for sure
Occupation: Journeyman Rail Splitter
Turnons: A woman with a good body who works out you know. Like hard abs and muscled legs, and broad shoulders like some females have. And a deep voice like when I close my eyes you sound like a man but you're all woman because I like women.
Turnoffs: Gross girls that are all soft and curvy and round. Those sissy girls don't appeal to the hard man who is deep inside me.
Say what: "It's tough being a single guy these days. When I think of all the lonely single men out there I just want to say that I really feel you men and it's hard, and getting harder all the time. And you know that it's getting hard for me too, and I know you feel me and want to reach around and offer me relief. Am I right ladies?'

Central Intelipol's Most Wanted

Lidia "Momma" Cruft: Last seen purchasing large quantities of Sunny Delight and counterfeit cowboy hats in the parking lot of The Upper Marlboro, Maryland Chamber Of Commerce. If seen, DO NOT APPROACH, but go to the nearest civic authority and report.

Threat Level: Dark Blue

Reward: Imminent

Karl & Promethia Burst: Last seen in or around Mississauga Ontario attempting to gain entrance to The Knight's Of Columbus Anti-Post Marital Sex Dinner Dance & Fund Raiser dressed as someone else. If cornered, lay face down and place arms rigidly at acute arcs until negotiators arrive.

Threat Level: Eminent

Reward: Voluntary

Elija Wong: Last seen testing the waters of a Red Lobster crab tank due south of the Tropic Of Cancer. Do not make eye contact unless accompanied by a doctor of science.

Threat Level: Too Legit

Reward: Rumored

The Rhododendron Brothers: Last seen boarding a slow boat to Northern Tweed, heavily laden with after market truck parts. Upon discovery the activation phrase given to the local constabulary is, "The goose is juicer when the chef is patient", followed by a double wink and a Petite Mal seizure.

Threat Level: Eggy

Reward: Three Times A Lady

Mason Walsh: Last seen holding court in the Laotian garment district clutching a copy of Yes I Can, gamely holding on, while being pelted with pieces of The True Cross. Upon introduction, do not linger with your finger, but move slowly to the back of the room, humming as if your life depended on it.

Threat Level: Double Down

Reward: Upon Clarification