Life List

Greetings to you my fellow swimmers. The wallowing warmth of the early days of the warmest of seasons have made my savory Ocean a hot and hearty place recently. I offer sincerest prayers of thanks to a tin of beef consume which looks down on me from upon high. I pray for a light summer soup of broth and veggies, and it is made so. With soup, life is good. And although the world can be a nasty shit heap at the best of times, I feel that I am safe in my Endless Ocean with my fishy swishy friends.
While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:

GREEN FISH'S TOTALLY EXTREME
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
DIES

1. THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
2. BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
3. THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
4. PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
   
5. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH LARRY KING AND REPEATEDLY CALL HIM SAMANTHA: Funny shit.
6. TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
7. HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
8. PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.

Well that's it. These are things that would make my life complete and justify my choices and decisions and erase all regrets. Dreams people! Dreams are what drive us to reach for the silver bell of freedom and comfort and a chicken in every driveway. You can make a man wear pants but you can't take away his dreams. Unless his dreams involve a lot of pantslessness. Then sir, you can take his dreams away and damn you to hell if you do.

Green Fish's Household Tips

1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:

ANGUS THRIPSHAW IS INTERESTING

1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Motorhead.

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Molting.

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.

In The News: Technology

Crowds have been gathering in the streets of our fair city over the last fortnight in anticipation of the latest technical marvel from the great mind of Dr. Thurliss Le Clerk (pictured). The good Doctor, recently discharged from St Unctuous of The Seven Enfeeblements Sanitarium after undergoing treatment for angry blood and syphilis, addressed the sturdy souls who have lined up for days in the hopes of purchasing his latest invention. The crowd outside Harrod's were excited but well behaved. Detective Dimitri Smith of the local Constabulary reported that floggings were kept to the working class sections of the line and only six hundred orphan pick pockets we rounded up and sold to heavy industrial concerns. One incident only slightly marred the event when two Irishmen began fighting over a discarded haddock that had been tossed from a third floor window. The men were subdued by a dozen heavily armoured lawmen and put aboard a spice boat bound for Sri Lanka. Police suspect alcohol may have been involved. The event went on without further embuggerance and it is with great pleasure that we bare witness to:

The Babbage Automated Recreation Platform: mark III

The magnificent device, named after Dr.Le Clerk's cat Babbage, is the latest and greatest entry into the heavily crowded field of entertainment technology. The machine stands sixteen feet tall and weights a mere thirty two tons. It is constructed of the finest buffed brass, hand polished spruce with teak embellishments, and finished with hand stitched green velvet.
The heart of the machine is a magnificent coal fired, steam pump which is reported to produce enough torque to strip the meat of a dead horse in under six hours, but we will get to the game software in a moment. The coal furnace is ventilated buy twin processor aerators. In non-technical terms this is a fast, highly efficient set of two seal skin bellows, each of which are alternately pumped by three orphans or one monkey and a boxing kangaroo. For those on a budget, the orphans can be purchased at a discount from most coal mines when large quantities of coal are purchased in bulk.
Speaking of budget, this hansom contrivance will cost you a pretty sum. The base model, which includes a 12 stone bag of coal and one orphan, retails for six pounds four shillings sixpence hapenny. The deluxe model retails for nine pounds three guineas sixteen shillings four crowns tuppence. The deluxe model includes the following:

• Six orphans
• A bucket of bee's wax
• A boxing kangaroo
• Eleven slabs of beef suet
  
• The Babbage Future World Flight Simulator
• Five dozen hand raised female ducks
• A duck press
• A tin of saddle soap
• The Royal Gran Turismo 4.0 High Velocity Race Experience
• Five bags of peat
• A mysterious Irish lodger
• A beard trimmer
• A Blu-Ray DVD Player

It looks like many children will be waking up to more than just a whipping this St. Steven's day. They may, if they have been obedient, chaste, duly shamed, and penitent, find more that just a rat in their stockings after a long day in the garment district sweat shops. Yes, the entertainment revolution is upon us. Perhaps the toys of old are becoming sadly obsolete, but I must admit that I will still find nostalgic pleasure in my old barrel hoops, wooden army men, walnut on a bit of twine, bag of marbles, rag doll, taxidermy kit, and my old outdated Tesla Boiler Plate Auto-Resulter GameBox 720p with mustache comb. Ah......good times.

Product Placement

Hello folks, my name is Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson. I am the Head R&D Facilitator for New Hebrides Offshore Accounting Ltd. What, you may ask, am I doing here? Well I'll tell you. I'm here to offer you a product that will change your lives forever. I will deliver to your homes a fantastic device that will be more welcome than a hot lunch and more breathtaking than a glass bottom boat. But folks I'm getting ahead of myself. Why, you may ask, do I need another device in home? Am I not already over burdened with techno mumbo jibber jabbery. Have I not already been sufficiently alienated from the natural world by the plastic fantastic silicone gods of mass consumption and flashing lights? I need another computerized doodad like a wild game cock needs a rusty trombone. We here at HNOA Ltd. could not agree more. That is why we, in collaboration with the Antiguan Chamber of Commerce, have developed a device that will not only take care of all the household chores that keep you from enjoying life, but will replace every other appliance that is cluttering up your home. I take great pride in introducing to you:

The Electroflax 3600

Take all your DVD players, food processors, seat warmers, mobile phones, cordless drills, pigeon traps, rat shavers, Arabian goggles, coffee grinders, baby changers, leg stretchers, egg rollers, chastity patches, panty looseners, and Blu-Ray devices, and load them into the large fleece lined hopper. Turn the hand crafted imitation spruce handle and crush the ever loving bejaysus out of all of the overpriced, poorly made, shite that has been cluttering up the family room for far too long. The lady of the house will be glad to know that the fleece lined hopper also holds up to six moderately sized children for up to twelve hours. Just remember to secure the hand crafted imitation spruce handle to prevent accidental deployment of the crusher while the little ones are expressing their youthful exuberance against the heavily sound proofed reinforced steel doors. You ladies will also be happy to know that there are hand stitched leather restraints for the man in your life that will allow you to go about your daily business while he vainly fights for freedom. All you have to do is send me an international money order for $997.99 to Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson c/o The Armenian Consulate, and in 15 to 18 months you will have your very own Electroflax 3600. Don't wait! Supplies are limited!

warning!!!

• this device will catch fire as soon as it is plugged in
• this device does nothing that is claimed
  
• this device contains weapons grade depleted uranium
• this device may never be sent to you
• Mr. Peterson has been arrested for bribery, sexual deviance, treason, armed robbery, practicing dentistry without a licence, impersonating a Rabbi, bigamy, arson, mail fraud, poisoning, attempted food tampering, malicious fondling, kidnapping, and regicide.